i’m messed up. i’m totally lazy, not getting anything to work properly in my life currently. i’m writing this here and i know, nobody of you cares (ok, the absolut most of you doesn’t) but thats okay. this is my way to deal with it. while writing this down here in public, its kind of “official” to me and this may help me to take this deal seriously.(and i’m wiriting this in english, wich might be not proper, but i’m fine with that too, because i’m writing that FOR ME… and currently i watched so many youtube videos of talks, of craig ferguson especially, i’m even thinking in english, but with an scottish accent!and i’m not expecting you to read this…) i’m in such a mess. nothing i do renders out properly. i’m dealing with too much stuff right now that i don’t know where to start. and that means, I don’t finish the things in a good time (all late night hasty rushing while tired) and pushing deadlines very hard. i have so many things on my to do list, that i should make a list of prioritys. and postponing non-deadline things let me transfer things from one list to the next one. i realised that i should change something today, or this evening, i don’t even know exactly, because i thought about this often. this evening i should finish some work and prepare a presentation about cassettes due in 2 days. none of that became clearer this whole sunday. a whole sunday of sitting around and doing silly things. i even EAT to make over time. then, now, its close to 2am and i thought about taking a cat nap on the desk! yeah, really. i don’t want to go into bed (wich is not made) and sleep the whole night through because i HAVE TO finish my work this night. so i will set my timer to 20 minutes and lay down right here on my big desk. crazy. there are so many things to do, nothing of it will be beautiful and done the right way. i spent to many resources on other things. and its not like i have so many friends and so many dates that i can’t get my things done. I JUST FREAKINGLY DO NOTHING IMPORTANT TO MY LIFE. its just sitting in front of the computer and find and read the silly stuff, getting tired on front of it and take a nap in the middle of the day and return to the computer. damn! i even eat in front of it. i do not enjoy a good breakfast on sunday. i do not cook. i eat chocolate over and over and feel sick. it’s time to change. change the plan. change the way of work. change the way of sitting in the chair. change the way of thinking about things. change the way of getting the things done. i’m really scared that this will turn me down if i don’t do anything against it. scared that it will turn my creativity down, but - most important - turn my sociality, health and heart down. i realized that i smile less than last year. and that scares me most. i happened to smile without reason. walking through the streets with a little smile on my mouth made me happy. that did not happen for a while. and thats not only because i’m getting older… thats crap. i’m not old. 25 is a perfect age to have fun with all the things you are doing. when you are doing them right. and currently i’m doing them wrong. i’m looking forward to change that.

i’m messed up. i’m totally lazy, not getting anything to work properly in my life currently. i’m writing this here and i know, nobody of you cares (ok, the absolut most of you doesn’t) but thats okay. this is my way to deal with it. while writing this down here in public, its kind of “official” to me and this may help me to take this deal seriously.

(and i’m wiriting this in english, wich might be not proper, but i’m fine with that too, because i’m writing that FOR ME… and currently i watched so many youtube videos of talks, of craig ferguson especially, i’m even thinking in english, but with an scottish accent!
and i’m not expecting you to read this…)

i’m in such a mess. nothing i do renders out properly. i’m dealing with too much stuff right now that i don’t know where to start. and that means, I don’t finish the things in a good time (all late night hasty rushing while tired) and pushing deadlines very hard.

i have so many things on my to do list, that i should make a list of prioritys. and postponing non-deadline things let me transfer things from one list to the next one.

i realised that i should change something today, or this evening, i don’t even know exactly, because i thought about this often. this evening i should finish some work and prepare a presentation about cassettes due in 2 days. none of that became clearer this whole sunday. a whole sunday of sitting around and doing silly things. i even EAT to make over time.

then, now, its close to 2am and i thought about taking a cat nap on the desk! yeah, really. i don’t want to go into bed (wich is not made) and sleep the whole night through because i HAVE TO finish my work this night. so i will set my timer to 20 minutes and lay down right here on my big desk. crazy.

there are so many things to do, nothing of it will be beautiful and done the right way. i spent to many resources on other things. and its not like i have so many friends and so many dates that i can’t get my things done.

I JUST FREAKINGLY DO NOTHING IMPORTANT TO MY LIFE.

its just sitting in front of the computer and find and read the silly stuff, getting tired on front of it and take a nap in the middle of the day and return to the computer. damn! i even eat in front of it. i do not enjoy a good breakfast on sunday. i do not cook. i eat chocolate over and over and feel sick.

it’s time to change. change the plan. change the way of work. change the way of sitting in the chair. change the way of thinking about things. change the way of getting the things done.

i’m really scared that this will turn me down if i don’t do anything against it. scared that it will turn my creativity down, but - most important - turn my sociality, health and heart down.

i realized that i smile less than last year. and that scares me most. i happened to smile without reason. walking through the streets with a little smile on my mouth made me happy. that did not happen for a while. and thats not only because i’m getting older… thats crap. i’m not old. 25 is a perfect age to have fun with all the things you are doing. when you are doing them right.

and currently i’m doing them wrong. i’m looking forward to change that.